Strange Eschatology

An Interview with the Reverend Gucci Hummina

A small section from last weeks radio program, "Utter Prophecies":

Reverend Gucci, would you please explain to our listeners, your view of the rapture?

Well, I believe there will be a "partial" rapture. Not the partial rapture that has been touted by those who misread prophecy...y'know...some believers left behind and some taken in advance. No sir, that's just stupid. I'm of the belief that EVERY believer will be partially raptured in a twinkling of an eye.

Would you please explain what you mean?

Well, I am trying to...but, you keep interrupting me. By the way, you won't be in that number monkey man.

Y'see, "partial" means "partial", and that's all it means. When the trumpet blows...and fyi...that tune will be "Shall We Gather at the River"...Christians will have their feet taken to Heaven, first. Then, their legs, hands, arms, torso and finally, their heads. It won't be gory or bloody or anything like that, mind you, it'll be beautiful. 

That's sound completely insane if you ask me!

Well, city boy, nobody asked you! You don't get it because you are ignorant of hidden messages. It's actually a message in itself! Our feet do the walking. Our feet has carried us into sin and into church. Our feet take us where we want to go. It's been that way all our lives. So our feet go first, leaving us on our backs so we can see the Rapture unfold. 

What about those who are left? Won't they see these weird amputations occurring? 

Not at all. Y'see...time will stop for unbelievers. We will see this happen...it will last for more than an hour...but, for lost dudes, like yourself, it will all happen in a microsecond. 

How many Christians believe this? Can you back up your claims with Scripture?

Whoever reads my book, "Defeeted at the Rapture", will see the truth and will join our movement. We now have, at least, forty two, who have joined our Facebook page...and, yes, of course I can back up my claims with Scripture!.....

Well?

Well what! I don't owe you an explanation. Read my book! It's all there! Anyway, I have an appointment with Toni and Guy. I will be appearing on TBN tonight as an honored guest speaker. I tag-team preach with Jan Crouch...I just hope she doesn't interrupt me as much as you do. I'm outta here!

Strange Facts about Christian Leaders #5

 

1.  John Bunyan had 26 bones in each foot! That's a total of 52 bones in his feet! Amazing feat!

2.  Oliver Cromwell's sneeze would rocket out of his body at close to 100 mph!

3.  William Wilberforce's eyes were always the same size from birth to death. During his lifetime, his nose and ears never stopped growing!

4.  John and Charles Wesley would shed and regrow outer skin cells about every 27 days!

5.  J. C. Ryle, as hard as he tried, could not tickle himself.
 
6.  George Whitefield was born with 300 bones, but by adulthood the number was reduced to 206.

7.  C. S. Lewis's left lung was smaller than his right lung.

8.  Count Zinzendorf's fingernails grew nearly 4 times faster than his toenails.

9.  Charles Haddon Spurgeon was born without knee caps. They didn't appear until he was between 2-6 years of age!

10.  Every year, during his lifetime, about 98% of the atoms in John Calvin's body were replaced!

Strange Facts about Christian Leaders #4

1.  David Steele and Curtis Thomas were both born when Halley's Comet came into view in 1835. When they died in 1910, Halley's Comet was in view again...wait a second...sorry, that was Mark Twain.

2.  Mark Driscoll's home is free of badgers.

3.  Tim Keller once thought about ordering personalized license plates but later changed his mind.

4.  R. C. Sproul has never been bitten by the deadly Brazilian wandering spider.

5.  C. J. Mahaney walked out of his home one day and didn't come back until after dark.

6.  Many years ago, Steve Lawson escaped injury when his vehicle knocked over his garbage can while backing out of his driveway.

7.  Cornelius Van Til, in his prime, could probably whip R. J. Rushdoony with one hand tied behind his back.


8.  John Frame is also a classically trained musician and a critic of film, music, and chocolate Easter bunnies.

9.  Abraham Kuyper, in his early years, would mark on walls with crayons.

10.  Louis Berkhof has never bought plastic flamingos in the United States OR in Canada!

Strange Facts about Christian Leaders #3

 

1.  When Carl F. H. Henry would jitterbug in front of his relatives, they would often comment that he looked like a frog in a blender.

2.  John L. Dagg was the world's tallest Baptist theologian. He came in at 18 feet 7 inches.

3.  Albert Mohler, Jr. has created enough saliva in his lifetime to fill a plastic swimming pool!

4.  Once, Wayne Grudem, in his early twenties, did not fill out a bank deposit slip correctly.

5.  John Gill never saw the Titanic, much less step foot on board.

6.  James Petigru Boyce, when a teen,  suffered from an upset stomach after eating too much ice cream and cake.

7.  John F. MacArthur laughs longer, louder, and more often than his brother-in-law.

8.  Charles Spurgeon once ate a bug by mistake. He never knew what happened. His oatmeal just tasted funny.

9.  John Piper blinks over 10,000,000 times a year!

10.  John Calvin never used MasterCard or Visa. He would always pay cash.