Atheist Devotional Book #4

The following entry is from page 263:

My husband Link and I had prepared to backpack into the Grand Canyon for a solid year before our trip. But most of that conditioning had been with only partially filled packs and on flatter surfaces than we would encounter on the canyon trails.

On our second day of the real hike, on the Tonto Platform between the Hermit trail and the more primitive trail at Boucher Creek, we were already very tired. A couple of hours of walking didn't quite match up to eight hours a day of hard hiking.

We were plodding along the trail on the Tonto, a little after noon on the second day of the trip, when suddenly a huge brown bear leaped on Link and killed him within seconds.

I yelled at the bear and it came running towards me with an obvious intent on killing me too! I spun around and lit my flame thrower with my cigarette lighter sending a stream of fire into the bears face! The bear let out a howl and ran into the woods still in flames. I tracked the bear down and finished it off with my 45's.

I can remember my husband and I talking about the "survival of the fittest". Now he is an illustration of the losing end of that equation.

I married again a week later to some guy I met in a bar.

Ironic, isn't it? A bear took one husband...at a bar I found another. And his name is Davy Crockett, just like the historic figure who killed him a "bar" when he was only three.

We divorced a week and a half later. 

Just like evolutionists and monkeys are one big family, atheists and bears have a lot in common. It's kill or be killed in this bear-eat-man world we live in. 

Kisses and bear hugs to all my readers. 

Atheist Devotional Book #3

Another entry in Faye Rosehart's "devotional"...

I'm sitting on a park bench, reading a book while the butterflies hover over a stalk of hollyhocks and then flutter to the daylilies bending on their stems. I've come to this bench as I often do on a Saturday to escape the phone and the computer and the bills that need to be paid. I even make a point of not taking a watch. It's my sort of "staycation" -- a way of getting away without going far at all.

All of a sudden my calm is interrupted by a boy, about three years old, who dashes along the path and then ducks behind a hedge.

"I'm hiding!" he calls to his mother, who's pushing an empty stroller along the path behind him.

"You can't see me! I'm imbizabul!" he yells, his blond cowlick rising over the shrubbery like a duck's tail.

Of course she can see him and so can I. The boy pops up from behind the hedge and greets his mother in a fit of giggles.

"You found me!" he exclaims in pitch high enough to break my reading glasses.

"I did!" she says, giving him a hug.

I watch them go and then get up from my bench, thinking, I'm glad I don't have any little brats to waste my atheistic time. I wonder how those two would like it if I went to their home and starting making a bunch of racket. Something always seems to break into my quite moments and mess up my day. I'm sick of these stupid birds singing around me as well! 

Sometimes I wish I were in solitary confinement.

So, remember readers...if your day is interrupted by the noise of laughing morons or singing beasts, fire a couple of shots into the air and tell them to get lost!

Atheist Devotional Book #2

Here is another page from the devotional designed to keep atheism evolving:

My favorite flowering plant is the hibiscus. Last summer I bought a large potted red one and put it on our patio. Nurtured by rain and our sprinkler system, the plant grew like a weed in a vegetable garden. I enjoyed immensely its rich green leaves and bright trumpet blossoms. Does evolution have good ideas or what?

This winter, as the temperature dipped near freezing, I brought the hibiscus into our sunny breakfast room to protect it from the cold. There was one problem, however: I wasn't accustomed to watering the plant and I soon forgot to. Last week I discovered the hibiscus wilted, yellow, frail and no longer breathing.

I was disgusted with myself for being so neglectful to a harmless plant. I went to the closet, got out a croquet mallet and pounded it flat in front of all my other plants. I wanted them to know that I am the master.

I walked over to one of my chrysanthemums, which was in shock, and slapped it around. Then I ran over the rest of my outside plants with my lawnmover.

In the midst of all this, I wept for their evolutionary history. Just think, if plants had become the predominant life form, we might be suffering from mistreatment in the green leaves of a Venus Flytrap!

Go gently through that good night everybody. Be positive about the negative wherever your feet find you.

Atheist Devotional Book

Came across this book by Faye Rosehart in a used book store while I was in the States this summer. Seems that Faye Rosehart wrote this book a year before she passed on. She was a chain smoker and corn cob pipe enthusiast. This was a very strange book to read. Her idea was to have a daily guide to atheistic principles and propaganda. Faye was buried with a carton of Winstons.

Here is a page from this volume. Let me know what you think of it.

During my first month working at the book store, a red-haired man who looked like Red Buttons pushed his way through the line at the information desk and barked, "I need a book called Atheists and the Unicorn!" 

The tiny woman at the front of the line gingerly looked at him and said, "I should rip your heart out...but, you don't seem to have one."

I smiled at both of them and told the rude man, "The book you're wanting is called, Atheists and the UNIVERSE." I began walking around the counter to lead him to the shelf.

He stopped in his tracks. "No, young lady, the book I want is called Atheists and the Unicorn. It's by... let's see..." He wrinkled his brow in thought. "Kip Tawkin."

"You're close, sir," I said, "it's by Kip Squawkin."

"No, I know I'm right."

He seemed so sure of himself that I mumbled, "I check our inventory and see if it's here."

"Never mind. I will go elsewhere!"

He stormed off and got into his car. Then he drove it into our store, breaking the front glass doors and injuring four other innocent atheists.

I shot through his windshield five or six times, with my handgun, before the car door came open and Mr. Pompous Baboon fell out. 

I rushed to his side and lifted up his head. His last words were..."It's a livin'."

We informed the police before we cremated him.

What does it all matter anyway? We all wind up being nothing with a lower case "n". 

Hope this helps you as you speed through your miserable life, my friends. 

This is Faye Rosehart saying, "Love to smoke, love to drink, I think I married the missing link."  

The Hounds of an Arminian Master

Strange Eschatology

An Interview with the Reverend Gucci Hummina

A small section from last weeks radio program, "Utter Prophecies":

Reverend Gucci, would you please explain to our listeners, your view of the rapture?

Well, I believe there will be a "partial" rapture. Not the partial rapture that has been touted by those who misread prophecy...y'know...some believers left behind and some taken in advance. No sir, that's just stupid. I'm of the belief that EVERY believer will be partially raptured in a twinkling of an eye.

Would you please explain what you mean?

Well, I am trying to...but, you keep interrupting me. By the way, you won't be in that number monkey man.

Y'see, "partial" means "partial", and that's all it means. When the trumpet blows...and fyi...that tune will be "Shall We Gather at the River"...Christians will have their feet taken to Heaven, first. Then, their legs, hands, arms, torso and finally, their heads. It won't be gory or bloody or anything like that, mind you, it'll be beautiful. 

That's sound completely insane if you ask me!

Well, city boy, nobody asked you! You don't get it because you are ignorant of hidden messages. It's actually a message in itself! Our feet do the walking. Our feet has carried us into sin and into church. Our feet take us where we want to go. It's been that way all our lives. So our feet go first, leaving us on our backs so we can see the Rapture unfold. 

What about those who are left? Won't they see these weird amputations occurring? 

Not at all. Y'see...time will stop for unbelievers. We will see this happen...it will last for more than an hour...but, for lost dudes, like yourself, it will all happen in a microsecond. 

How many Christians believe this? Can you back up your claims with Scripture?

Whoever reads my book, "Defeeted at the Rapture", will see the truth and will join our movement. We now have, at least, forty two, who have joined our Facebook page...and, yes, of course I can back up my claims with Scripture!.....

Well?

Well what! I don't owe you an explanation. Read my book! It's all there! Anyway, I have an appointment with Toni and Guy. I will be appearing on TBN tonight as an honored guest speaker. I tag-team preach with Jan Crouch...I just hope she doesn't interrupt me as much as you do. I'm outta here!

Arminian Antics #64

Question of the Day

Arminian Antics #57

A New Hymn from an Emergent Hymnal

Pictured above is the new hymnal from Rob Bell's second cousin on his mother's side, Vern Mayfly, who edited the volume and wrote sixteen of the songs featured in the book. There is a hidden message in each of the "hymns" and this one is no exception:

Jesus help me grab the rope

Only you can toss me hope

Heaven is for all they say

Never to leave and go away

Christ helped me up when I was down

All souls are lost, all souls are found

Love wins big time in eternity now

Very soon everybody will choose to bow

I know my heart will love again

Never to sin against tree or men

Hell is really no place to fear

All who die will not go there

Devils and demons might stay awhile

Nobody else will walk that mile

Once people die they'll see the light

Closed eyes will open to the sight of

Love in sandals, robe and crown

Until that day we'll walk around

Ever witnessing to His love come down (hey nani nani and a hot cha cha)

So, as you can see, their theology is twisted, sister. Be warned.

Applying a Hot Iron

Ad This

This was brought to my attention by Ludloe Manilla, who happened to find

this ad in an old Reformed Farmers magazine. He also sent this link!

Arminian Antics #48

Optical Illusion Book by Benny Finney

Pictured above is an entry in Benny Finney's newest book. The small volume is entitled, Benny Finney's Theological Optical Illusions, The purpose of his book is to "visually undermine any Calvinistic concepts that I just can't agree with." According to Finney, this book will "shatter the teeth of any tulip-lover that dares open the cover!" Benny was seen on TBN a few days ago doing magic tricks aimed at the Reformed. He made a casket full of tulips disappear, he pulled a daisy out of the ear of Jan Crouch and he accidently set her hair on fire. This small book sells for just under one hundred American dollars but, as Benny put it, "All my prophets go to cutting edge churches." His explanation of the "illusion" above is - "Once you see PRE as FREE (as in FREE WILL) you will never be the same again!" 

Arminian Antics #47

It's FREE I tells ya

How about a FREE BOOK? ...and signed by the author, as well? 

Well just click here and sign up on the author's blog!

You'll be glad you did.

New Book New Author

My Letter from Loraine Boettner

Loraine Boettner was born on March 7, 1901 and went to be with his Lord and Savior on January 3, 1990. This is a scan or the letter I have taped in my Reformed Doctrine of Predestination hardcover 1980 edition. This serves as a constant reminder of his kindness and his servant attitude, as he was still ministering to students whenever and wherever he could. This is one book I will never be without.

One Book Commentaries

Please list some of your favorite one-book commentaries.

One of my all-time favorites is Jude: The Acts of the Apostates by S. Maxwell Coder

You take a peek at it right cheer!

Memories are Made of This